we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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