Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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