I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
