fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
