Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
