just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
