i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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