Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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