Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
