Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize