we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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