He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Are we still banned from the library?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
