he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
