yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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