Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
and she was petting her beer can
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
