I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
