Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
