I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
