fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
