hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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