Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
