i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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