I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
