Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
