the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
