It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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