i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
only you would photoshop your dick
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
