Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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