According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
