i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
