There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
