I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
