He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
