You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Is it penis luge time yet?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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