worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
