Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
