Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize