I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
