at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
