Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
