my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
