i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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