You really coming over, don't trick.
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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