I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
