You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
