I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
