Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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