I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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