Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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