the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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