mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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