She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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