There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
