Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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