theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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