I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
